Thursday, January 20, 2011

An anxiety-ridden adventure...

No pretty picture, nothing really fun about this except that hopefully soon I'll be experiencing significantly less pain. This is not at all the kind of post that I usually write but it's what has been consuming my life of late. I've been off the radar for quite a while having to deal with medical issues the most urgent one being that I have to undergo gallbladder surgery next week. This problem obviously doesn't just appear overnight but it reared its ugly head dramatically over the holidays to the point where I finally had to figure out what was going on.

I've been having a very hard time with all of this as I've never had any kind of surgery before and am frightened about the whole thing. The worst part of the experience thus far has been meeting with my surgeon. I realize that surgeons are trained very well for what they do and I do not speak about all surgeons as I've only had to deal with one, but the interpersonal skills and bedside manner of my surgeon certainly leave a lot to be desired especially when dealing with a first-time surgery patient who's dealing with a lot of fear and uncertainty. Thankfully, my wonderful primary care physician and the nurses at my clinic more than makes up for that and have been very comforting and reassuring.

Throw into the mix that I'm way cranky due to the liquid diet that I have to be on for four more days and have endured three days of so far. I'm feeling less than human as I can't get motivated to enter the outside world where normal people actually get to eat solid food (besides jello) and buy groceries beyond milk, instant breakfast mix and protein powder. And do you know how many commercials there are during the course of a day for restaurants and food products????

I have had really wonderful supportive friends who've been through the same thing to let me know what to expect and tell me that I'll feel so much better once the surgery is through. I am beyond grateful for these wonderfully supportive people in my life. I'm so thankful to have the wonderful husband who's been amazing with all of this and holds me during all of my crying jags when I'm overcome with fear and uncertainty. Throw into the mix that has also put some of our fertility testing on hold which only adds to my depression about all of this.

What has been most upsetting about all of that particular aspect is that some people who should be the most supportive and understanding during this time are telling me that I shouldn't really be trying to have a child as that comes with all kinds of stress and worries and can't handle that. This kind of "support" is the precise reason that I haven't shared that we've been trying to conceive for over two years because I instinctively knew this was the kind of "support" that I would get from them. My wonderful doctor was also quick to point out that these matters are two very different things and was able to help me believe in and trust my own instincts again, something which has been easy to lose sight of in this whole process.

But on this day when I got all that "support," my husband and I were out getting a tea so I could feel like a normal human being for a while. As I was leaving the restroom, a mother and her adorable brown-haired cutie of a daughter who couldn't have been more than two were waiting and this little angel came up to me and hugged my legs so tight, it nearly brought me to tears of joy. I feel so blessed that this little girl shared her spontaneous gift of love with me when I needed it most.


  1. I'm sorry for the challenges your facing now. It may help to remember that others have been through - are going through - the same things you are, and they've lived through it. I had a breast biopsy last week (thankfully, it was benign), and God securely held me up through a full week of the unknown. He will do the same for you. I have been praying for you, and your desire to have a child. You can count on me to continue to pray for your peace during the upcoming surgery. God bless you, Tammy.

  2. Thank you Linda! Your prayers, support and friendship mean so much to me and I am so happy to hear that your biopsy turned out so well. Stay warm down there; we're about -20 degrees up here!